Friday, August 3, 2012

New Beginnings

Well if you asked me where I was going to be 6 months ago, this is certainly not the spot I would have picked. 
As I have eluded to in prior entries, the last year or so has been rough for so many reasons. From being burnt out of work and training and never having true control over my schedule, to having dealt with a baby who had some major problems that impacted our family's quality of life (granted nothing life threatening and I know I work with families that deal with so much more), and my own health problems.  There has been quite a bit on my plate, and I so wanted to be the person that could do it all.  But in the end, it wasn't possible.  Too many sacrifices over the years led to me becoming a shell of the person I was and wanted to be.  And the sad part, I didn't even realize the full extent of that issue until now.

So here I am. In a position I had never dreamed of, but realizing how good it will be.

As for going through a divorce (I put this out there only because few people talk about it openly and I am pretty much an open book) - well it is so emotionally tough.  My beliefs in God and marriage were such that I didn't believe in divorce.  That was never an option.  There was the part of me that over the years so wanted it to be an option. So when it became the fact, I was relieved.  The heartache you experience going through a divorce is gut wrenching, even though you know that life will be better after all.  Trying to separate your life of 10 years from someone else is rough.  It's like ripping a part two super pieces of velcro.  There are so many little hook and loops that are intertwined, and they just keep snagging on each other.

Over the past few weeks, those last little hook and loops are just about fully apart.  The reality of it all has set in.  But I am finding myself again.  There are so many little parts of myself that I had just kind of tucked away in order to accommodate someone else (or make it easier to be with someone else) that I am now finding again.  Two people do this in a relationship - I know my ex did the same thing.  But at the time, neither of us could see how much of ourselves had been tucked away.  And giving these parts of me room to breathe again, it is amazing.  I feel so much more alive and aware than I have in a long time.  I am happy and exuberant (most days- there are still some struggles).  I love my new little quirky old house.  It is so me. 

And the kids are adjusting.  The little man has no idea what has happened.  He misses the other parent when they aren't around.  But he is laid back and just so fun to watch.  Not too much bothers him (other than some super killer 2 year old molars that have made their way in).  Then the munchkin.  Well I don't know how much is being a 4.5 year old girl vs the life changing events.  She has moments of total discontrol.  These seem to happen after a parent exchange.  Then she settles in.  She still doesn't know exactly what has happened, but just that she now has 2 houses to live at.  We have lots of snuggle time, but I would say that her behavior has probably been one of the most trying parts of the whole process.

And throughout this process, I have had some amazing friends and family who have become such a great support network.  There are those that have been there over the last decade, and those that have come in to be silent ralliers.  I still have my faith and beliefs that marriages can work, that I am not a failure in God's eyes because my marriage ended, and that the future is still completely untold.

And with that- here is to new beginnings!

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